COMING HOME
The following was sent in by Keith Zuhlke. It originally appeared in an article or an editorial titled "A Letter Home", though its exact origin has been lost in the corridores of time.
Dear Friends:
In the very near future the
undersigned will once more be in your midst, dehydrated and demoralized, to take
his place again as a human being with well known forms of freedom and justice
for all, engage in life, liberty, and the somewhat delayed pursuit of happiness.
In making your joyous preparations to welcome him back into organized society
you might take certain steps to make allowances for the crude environment which
has been his miserable lot for the past twelve months. In other words, he might
be a little Asiatic or be suffering from Vietnameseitic, and should be handled
with tender loving care. Do not be alarmed if he is infected with all sorts of
rare tropical diseases, a little time in the land of the big PX, as he calls it
will cure him of all his afflictions. Therefore, show no alarm if he insists on
carrying a weapon to the dinner table, looks around for his steel pot or asks
where his flack jacket is when offered a chair. Fear not when in the middle of
the night after hearing a car backfire or a police siren, he yells
"incoming!!" and runs out half naked into the yard looking for the
bunker. Pretend not to notice when he eats with his fingers instead of
silverware. Abstain from talking about powdered eggs, dehydrated potatoes, fried
rice, fresh milk or ice cream. Do not be alarmed if he jumps up from the table
and runs to the garbage can to wash his plate with toilet brush. After all, this
has been his standard. Take it with a smile when he digs up the garden to fill
sandbags for the bunker he is building. Be tolerant when he takes his blanket
and sheet off the bed so the can sleep under the mattress in case of a mortar or
rocket attack. Also, if it should start raining pay no attention to him if he
pulls off his clothes and grabs a bar of soap and goes outside to take a shower.
When in daily conversation he utters such things as: "Xin
Loi""Choi Oi ", Beaucoup","Ti Ti" etc. just be
patient, but if you should hear him say "Di Di", leave his presence on
the double as it means no less than " get the ---- out of here!! Do not let
it upset you if he picked up the phone and yells "Sustain Sir" or
"Roger Out", or just plain "Working". Never ask why the
Jones' son held a higher rank than he did, and by no means mention the term
"extend". Pretend not to notice if at a restaurant he calls the
waitress "Numbah one girl," and uses his hat for an ash tray. He will
probably keep listening for "Homeward Bound" to sound off over AFRTS.
If he does , comfort him, for he is still reminiscing. Be especially watchful
when in the presence of a women especially a beautiful one with " round
eyes". Above all, keep in mind that beneath that tanned and rugged exterior
beats a heart of gold. Treat him with kindness, tolerance, and an occasional
fifth of good whiskey and you will be able to rehabilitate the one whom you once
knew and loved. Last, but by no means least, send no more mail to APO, fill the
ice box with beer, get the civvies out of the mothballs, fill the car with gas,
and get the women and children off the streets because---- THE KID IS COMING
HOME !!!!!---